Gottman Repair Checklist: A free template for couples therapy

The Gottman Repair Checklist is a one-page list of about 70 scripted phrases that couples use to stop an argument from escalating. The six categories are I Feel, Sorry, Get to Yes, I Need to Calm Down, Stop Action!, and I Appreciate. Dr. John Gottman built it from his research on repair attempts, the small bids partners make to de-escalate a fight.

Couples read the list together while calm and agree in advance which phrases they will respond to. During conflict, either partner can then use one of those phrases as a signal to slow down. This guide covers each category, how to run the checklist in session, and how to keep a record of which phrases work for each couple.

Key takeaways

The Gottman Repair Checklist lists about 70 repair phrases in six categories. They are I Feel, Sorry, Get to Yes, I Need to Calm Down, Stop Action!, and I Appreciate.

Each category serves a different purpose, from naming a feeling and apologizing to finding common ground, pausing the fight, and expressing appreciation.

Couples get the most from it when they review the list together while calm and each mark the phrases they want to hear.

Phrases such as “I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?” and “Let’s take a break” are single items inside a category, not category names.

Storing each couple’s completed checklist in their record shows which categories they rely on and how their repair skills change over time.

What is the Gottman Repair Checklist?

The Gottman Repair Checklist is a one-page worksheet of about 70 numbered repair phrases grouped into six categories. The widely distributed 2007 edition, copyright Dr. John Gottman, carries 73 phrases. Partners pick the phrases they would welcome hearing during a fight, and those phrases become their shared de-escalation script.

Dr. John Gottman and colleagues developed the checklist after decades of research into what separates couples who stay connected from those who drift apart. That research found that repair attempts are among the strongest predictors of how a relationship fares after conflict.

• Origins: Grounded in the Gottman Method, a couples therapy approach built on more than four decades of research.
• Structure: Six categories: I Feel, Sorry, Get to Yes, I Need to Calm Down, Stop Action!, and I Appreciate.
• Clinical use: Therapists review it with couples in session, then couples keep it on hand for conflicts at home.
• Audience: Couples working on conflict, plus the therapists, counselors, and coaches who guide them.
• Time to complete: About 10 minutes to read through and mark preferred phrases.

What are repair attempts? The science behind the checklist

Repair attempts are statements or actions that stop a conflict from escalating and restore calm. The checklist targets emotional flooding, the point where stress floods the nervous system and a partner can no longer listen or problem-solve.

Gottman’s research found that couples who repair well stay together, even when they argue often. Frequent conflict matters less than the ability to de-escalate and reconnect afterward.

• What works: Phrases from the checklist such as “I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?”, “I need things to be calmer right now,” and “Let’s take a break.”
• What doesn’t: Contempt, criticism with no repair, and stonewalling, where one partner withdraws entirely.
• The goal: Teaching couples to notice when flooding begins and use an agreed phrase to pause and reconnect.

The six categories and what each one does

The checklist sorts its phrases into six categories, and each one meets a different need during conflict. The counts below come from the 2007 edition; some circulating copies list eight Get to Yes phrases instead of nine.

The six categories give couples a concrete menu in place of a vague instruction to “communicate better.” A partner who is flooding can reach for Stop Action! or I Need to Calm Down. A partner ready to reconnect can reach for Sorry, Get to Yes, or I Appreciate.

How to use the checklist in a session

Therapists usually introduce the checklist in one of three moments:

• Right after a couple has had a conflict in session.
• When a couple describes a recent argument they want to work through.
• As a take-home tool for moments when tension rises between sessions.

1. Identify the conflict moment. Ask the couple to describe a recent disagreement, or use one that just happened in your office. Pinpoint where the conversation derailed and flooding began.
2. Walk through the six categories. Explain that repair attempts are phrases that help couples calm down and reconnect. Read a few phrases from each category aloud so both partners hear the full range.
3. Have each partner mark their phrases. Each partner ticks the phrases they would welcome hearing, and the ones they could say sincerely. Compare the two lists and agree on a shared set.
4. Practice together. Ask one partner to say a chosen phrase aloud to the other. Pause and observe how the other partner responds.
5. Reflect on impact. Ask, “Did that phrase help you feel heard or calmer?” This reflection helps the learning stick.
6. Assign as homework. Give the couple a copy of their marked checklist and keep the original in their patient record. Ask them to use at least one agreed phrase the next time tension rises at home, then report back.

Repair phrases only become automatic with repeated practice, so revisit the marked checklist every few sessions. Gottman also notes that whether a repair attempt lands depends on the strength of the couple’s friendship, not only on the words chosen.

Gottman Repair Checklist vs the Aftermath of a Fight worksheet

The Gottman Method includes two related but distinct tools. The Repair Checklist works during a conflict, while the Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident worksheet is for processing it later.

Many couples therapy plans use both tools. The checklist settles the conflict as it happens, and the aftermath worksheet builds understanding once it is over. Both belong to the wider set of Gottman Method worksheets used across a course of couples therapy.

If you run multi-couple groups, describe both tools in your group therapy informed consent so participants know what the work involves.

Patterns to watch for when couples use the checklist

The phrases each partner marks tell you a lot about how they fight. Three patterns are worth watching for as couples work with the checklist over several weeks.

• Partners often reach for different categories. One partner may mark mostly Stop Action! phrases while the other marks I Appreciate. Seeing the mismatch on paper helps the couple agree on phrases both will honor.
• Naming a feeling lowers defensiveness. “I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?” asks for a softer restatement in place of a counterattack. Phrases from I Feel give the listener a clear way to respond.
• Get to Yes is often the hardest category. Its phrases ask partners to accept influence, Gottman’s term for letting a partner’s view shape the outcome. Partners may fear that conceding ground means losing the argument, so this category needs extra practice.

How Pabau helps therapists store and track repair checklists

Many therapists complete the repair checklist on paper and file it, or lose it. That leaves no easy way to see which phrases worked for a couple, or to show progress over time. Couples also forget which phrases they agreed on once they leave the room.

Moving the checklist into therapy practice management software like Pabau turns it into a tracked part of the couple’s record. Here’s how:

• Store completed forms in the patient record. Pabau’s digital intake forms let couples complete the checklist on a tablet or phone, and the completed version saves to their record. There is no paper to file or lose.
• Track repair patterns across sessions. Reviewing completed checklists over time shows which of the six categories each partner relies on. You can then tailor your interventions to the categories they avoid.
• Measure progress between sessions. Checklists completed in sessions 1, 5, and 10 show whether a couple is widening the range of phrases they use.
• Automate reminders and follow-up. Automated workflows can email couples a reminder between sessions to practice at least one agreed phrase that week.
• Support your clinical documentation. Stored checklists sit alongside your clinical notes as a record of skill building for insurance and accreditation.

Store and track every couple’s repair checklist

Pabau’s digital forms save each completed Gottman Repair Checklist to the couple’s record. You can see which phrases work and follow progress session by session.

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Conclusion

The Gottman Repair Checklist does its work before the argument, when both partners are calm enough to choose their phrases. Have each partner mark the phrases they want to hear across all six categories before the next conflict arrives. That way a single phrase like “Let’s take a break” carries a meaning both partners have already accepted.

Revisit the marked checklist every few sessions and keep each version on file. The changes in which categories a couple uses become your clearest evidence that repair is taking hold. Book a demo to see how Pabau’s digital forms and patient records keep each couple’s completed checklists in one place.

Continue your research

Want ground rules couples can agree on before the next argument? Fair fighting rules for therapists sets out the conversation limits that pair naturally with an agreed list of repair phrases.

Need a structured exercise for the sessions around the checklist? Couples therapy worksheet gives you a form for mapping recurring conflicts, goals, and progress between sessions.

Working with couples on what each partner will and won’t accept? Marriage boundaries worksheet helps partners name their limits, which makes Get to Yes phrases easier to offer.

Interested in de-escalation techniques beyond the checklist? Crisis intervention strategies explores broader de-escalation approaches that complement Gottman repair work in high-stress settings.

Frequently asked questions